It’s all gone.
Everything.
Years of gaming, painstaking hours devoted.
Memories and moments captured in time.
Upgraded abilities and weapons, explored maps, completed side quests, unlocked secrets, discovered treasures.
Lost to the ether.
All because of a rash decision.
I’M SO STUPID.
I should sue PlayStation.
They assured me that I wouldn’t lose my data if I chose “Restore to Default Settings” and not “Initialize PS4.”
Other gaming articles reaffirmed the same statement.
I’M SO STUPID.
I should’ve checked Reddit and the forums – that’s where the real information lies.
Why didn’t I check the forums?
Why didn’t I do more research?
Why was I so desperate to get my PS4 back?
I could’ve just left it in the “Safety Mode Loop” until the next morning.
There was no need to rush, to fix it that night.
I guess I was just dying to play The Last of US Part 2, again.
I really wanted to play The Last of US Part 2, again.
I’M SO STUPD.
I knew the moment I turned it on and it opened to a different home screen.
And my usual games didn’t appear, but rather ones I hadn’t played in forever.
Even before I opened up The Last of Us Part 2 and was hit with the original Menu Page, with the boat, not the one of Catalina Island when you’ve completed the game.
Even before I saw there was no “Load Game” or “New Game+” feature and only “Start New Game.”
I knew.
Something was disturbingly wrong.
I’M SO STUPID.
I just want to cry.
And scream.
And curl into a ball of despair.
Even now, weeks after, I’m still mourning.
I haven’t touched my PS4.
I can’t bring myself to.
It hurts too much.
There goes playing Life is Strange with Sophie and Lauren.
I really wanted Sophie to play it.
She would’ve loved it.
There goes replaying my games with ease of “New Game+,” that lets me retain my skills and collectibles from previous playthroughs while increasing the difficulty.
I can’t fathom starting from scratch.
I can’t imagine redoing it all.
When I’ve already done it.
Countless of times prior.
There go YEARS OF DEDICATION.
AND MEMORIES.
Of my sister and I playing these games.
Hours just spent immersed in worlds.
Crafting, leveling up your character, exploring uncharted areas.
Experiencing the story together.
Those moments are burned, seared, engrained in mind.
So vivid, so tangible, so recent.
I just played The Last of Us Part 2 yesterday; I just reached Seattle Day 1.
I just can’t understand. I just can’t comprehend. How it’s all –
GONE.
POOF.
In an instant.
When it was just there.
And I’m left with lingering traces and flashes of phantom motions.
Dear Reader,
I am aware of how privileged and first-world this problem is.
I am aware of how spoiled and out-of-touch with reality I sound.
I acknowledge that this is a result of living in a consumerist society, where we attach ourselves to material items.
And yet,
My blood still boils and my throat catches.
And my fists clench and my eyes well.
And an emptiness consumes me,
Akin to that of a lost friend.
Or a blanket snatched from your sleep,
Or innocence slipping away, grounded by harsh reality.
But I’ll get over it.
Because there are more important things in life.
Than a PS4.