Another intriguing facet of myself, or just another label I currently identify with (and have for some time) – I don’t think I can feel romantic attraction. I think I might be aromantic, possibly asexual, definitely on the spectrum (yay another one) somewhere.
This isn’t surprising considering autistic adults are eight times more likely to identify as aro/ace than allistics. (Interestingly, autistic individuals are also more likely to identify as LGBTQ+ than neurotypicals, so double banger for me.) Autism aside, my disinterest in dating and romance could also stem from trauma relating to adoption and my parents’ divorce, but I doubt this if at all, is the sole cause.
In all 22 meager years of existence, I have never once desired a romantic relationship with someone else. This isn’t to say that I didn’t have crushes in elementary school, I did, but I haven’t had a so-called “crush” since 10th grade of high school. (Even then, I’m pretty sure that was a “squish” or a “platonic crush,” where I just really, really wanted to be friends with someone and that’s it.)
I used to feel like there was something wrong with me. How was it that literally everyone else was so fixated on dating, on being with someone, and I wasn’t? What was I missing? Why couldn’t I feel that way? Things like Valentine’s Day or girls getting boy-obsessed and forgoing their own values to appeal to a man, changing their style, and getting flustered and the like made absolutely 0 sense to me (it still doesn’t).
The thought of dating, of being with someone in a committed relationship, makes me squirm and bolt for my agency. (Perhaps there’s more of a commitment issue and demand-avoidance attachment style at play here.) The idea of marriage is something I’ve never considered nor, again, felt the desire for. The notion of kids is beyond ghastly.
I’m just tired of people telling me that I just need more time, more experience, and something will change. The “oh, you’re just a late bloomer, it’ll happen when it happens.” Maybe I do and maybe I don’t but what is so wrong with me now? I just don’t get your insistence on finding someone else. I don’t want anyone. I wish there was better media representation of Aro/ace individuals for visibility and representation (Heartstopper is a great example but I’m not sure what else), so people could realize they’re other sexual orientations and identies than the dominant allosexual romantic ones. It’s really not that complicated or abnormal.
Honestly, and I know how much this sounds like “I’m-not-like-others-girls,” I never went through the stereotypical “girl phase” growing up. I never got obsessed with boys (likely because I’m gay), and never cared about makeup and hair or jewelry and dresses. I loved pink and sparkles but rejected them come middle school where I repainted my Pink Panther-esque room blue and listened to punk rock and emo music like the little miss Alternative I was (a Canon event I fear).
This phase ended upon entering college, where, lo and behold, I started experimenting with different styles and expressions, and found a new medium. I now enjoy doing makeup, and I’m fairly decent at eyeshadow but you’ll still never catch me in a frilly dress and bow.
Still, until moving into the DEEG (sorority house), I never had a group of girlfriends that talked about regular girl things. The first time we all sat in a circle in our shared room and just talked about dating, type, things we’d done or wanted to try, I just gaped at everyone because this felt so foreign to me, and it’s completely normal! And I just had to repeat that I never felt those things. I do like certain fictional characters (my type is oh-so-obvious it’s not even funny), and my friends tease me about them, but this doesn’t translate to real life (and most of them are animated, so yeah…).
What I desire is a strong, emotional connection and attachment to someone. A genuine friend. Perhaps a queerplatonic relationship but nothing more than that.
The only other people who can relate to me are also autistic and aro/ace. So maybe, that’s just what I am.
Or maybe, I attend a PWI in the South. The demographic is not great for me here. Maybe there is lingering trauma preventing me from exploring, but then again, I do not have any desire to. Maybe I need to graduate and move somewhere more diverse and progressive and maybe then, I might think differently.
Or maybe not.
And that’s okay. I’ll just attend my friend’s weddings and resist screaming obscenities at their crying kids.